For the sake of those involved, I will not use names or their relationship to me. This is to protect them and their privacy as well as to not cause embarrassment. I will also not go into details about what led to the events I am going to write about. I do hope that they will forgive me for sharing at all but, for my own sanity, I need to do this.
First of all, I have been feeling frustrated because my SSI payments are supposedly being reduced by about $100. That may not seem like much to some people, but considering that I don't make very much to begin with, it is huge to me. Apparently the check is being cut because of how much they estimated I would make in January. The problem is, their estimate was more than double what I actually earned. I am not even sure how they figured I would make that much. I have never made that much money in a single month that I have worked at my current job. EVER!!!
I am also frustrated because starting in March my Food Stamps have been reduced about $100. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily like being on food stamps, any more than receiving Social Security benefits, but when you are on a tight budget every little bit helps.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that I am now 41 and I am still single. Most of the time I am okay with this, but for some reason I have really been wishing that that was not the case. When I was younger I never dreamed that I would still be single into my forties. The only thing I have ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother.
I try not to think about it most of the time since it is not something I can control. I mean, I can't just run to Walmart and pick out a family. I have been promised that if I live worthy that I will have the opportunity to have a family. The thing is, the promise told me that it is in the "due time of the Lord." Sometimes I just have a really hard time with it not being my time. Don't get me wrong. I am not questioning the Lord, but I can sometimes forget to be patient.
Well, now for the main reason I am feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated.
there have been some things going on with some people that are very close to me. Some things that nobody should have to go through. What has got me so frustrated is that people who should be doing more to make things better are actually making things worse. One person in particular, that I used to be closer to, has been the cause of a lot of grief and pain. Lies have been told over and over and problems ignored or brushed aside. Unfortunately as a result, either direct or indirect, this has caused some major problems. It has really hurt someone I love very much.
I found out this morning that someone very dear to me, took about half a bottle of Tylenol in order to go to sleep and not have to deal with life and the pain. I was in total shock! I started to cry almost uncontrollably in grief and sadness that they felt this was the only way. Mostly I cried because of the feelings of guilt and shame that I felt because of the things that I have done.
Although my circumstances were much different as to what led to my suicide attempts, the feelings and thoughts were very similar. I only knew that I wanted to go to sleep and never have to deal with the pain again. I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated with life that I thought that was the only answer. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but in the moment that doesn't seem to matter. I could only think of how much better it would be if I didn't have to deal with the thoughts, feelings, and stress of every day life. I am grateful that I failed in my attempts to take my own life, most of the time. I admit, though, that occasionally I still think that things would be better if I had succeeded.
So, back to today. I have spent a lot of the day feeling regrets and wondering what could I have done differently to set a better example for this person. I feel like such a bad example! I keep wondering if I set the example of what to do when things get hard. The wrong example.
I am also having a hard time knowing that things happened as a result of others actions. I am frustrated with them, blaming them, and having a hard time knowing that I need to forgive them.
I am not sure that this is helping anybody, including myself. I am debating whether or not to post it. I don't want to cause more harm than help.
I do want this person, that is going through such difficult thoughts and feelings at this time, to know that I do understand more than some. I also want to apologize if I have been a bad example. Most of all, I just want to let them know that I love them and more importantly, our Heavenly Father loves them. Our Savior knows exactly what they are going through, and has paid the price because of His love for them.