Jen's Life of a Depressed Mormon Woman
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Hospitalization

2/24/2014

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WARNING!!!
I have been having some really negative thoughts and this post will go into some of the thoughts and feelings I have had both now and in the past, some of which led up to two different intentional overdoses in the hopes of ending my life.
WARNING!!!

Yesterday I posted about my first intentional overdose. Today I will talk about some of the things that have happened in the past year and a half or so.
We were living in Bountiful and things had been going
pretty well. Nothing was perfect but things were good overall. And then I lost my part-time job as a custodian at an elementary school. I didn't even see it coming.
I had been at work one day and we were out raking and doing yard work all day. It was August and it was hot. I was trying to stay hydrated but I think I got too much sun and not enough water because I got really dizzy and sick to my stomach. I was told to go home an hour early. The next day was more of the same. I managed to make it through my shift and then the supervisor asked to talk to me. She said that I hadn't been doing things the way she wanted them done and that I took too long. She also said I had taken too many sick days when in reality I had only taken a couple in the few months I had worked there. She told me she was letting me go but she made it sound like it was because of budget cuts. The way I saw it was that she just didn't like me for some reason. Nothing was ever good enough. I was devastated! I had never been let go for any other reason than that the job ended. I had quit jobs before and had even contemplated quitting that job because it was hard on my back and neck. What made it hard was that she had never told me she had a problem with the way I was doing things so that I could have tried to do better.
I was very upset and I had a panic attack. I didn't know what to do. I found myself driving to the temple. I didn't have my clothes or recommend that was needed to go inside so I parked across the street at a place I had discovered previously. I could look east at the beautiful temple or west over the valley toward the Great Salt Lake (as seen in the picture above).
I talked to several people through text and calls and after a while I began to feel better. I just needed to start looking for another job. I had been thinking it was a good time to start my own preschool and had been making some effort to do so. Since I didn't have anything else to do I started to put my plans into full swing. I found out what regulations I needed to follow and started gathering supplies. I put flyers up around the area and even created a website. I decorated the basement of our home and made it cute and inviting. One of the girls in my ward put together a toy drive and many people donated toys, books, and even some supplies. It was a little overwhelming to see the support from people who  mostly didn't even know me. I am still grateful to this young woman who decided to do this all on her own and even did most of the work herself.
As time drew close for school to start I had only received a few phone calls and none of them were willing to commit. I heard from several established preschools in the area that their enrollment was down and even got a call from somebody else trying to get started wondering if I had a waiting list that she could maybe take students from. The local schools began and I didn't have a single student. I kept hoping people would call and that maybe I could just start late. It never happened. Another disappointment!
In September my dad had an accident while driving truck. He lost his job over it even though he had done everything right and there had been minimal damage to the truck. So there we were nobody had a job and we didn't know how we were going to pay the bills or rent. We started applying for jobs both in the Bountiful area and in Carbon and Emery Counties. I kept hearing that I wasn't qualified for one reason or another or I would find out they had hired somebody and I hadn't even had an interview.
As the next two months went by I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of depression. As a family we decided to pray about whether to stay in Davis or Salt Lake County or to Move home to Carbon/Emery. Dad and I both wanted to come home to where we were raised and Mom wasn't sure. (In reality she would have preferred going back to Nevada.) I was getting more and more depressed and stressed out about not knowing what to do or how I was going to pay my bills that I was getting further and further behind on paying.
I had been seeing a counselor through all of this on a weekly basis. She was doing everything she could to help me and I felt like she truly cared about me. The week of Halloween she had given me an assignment to put together a box of things I could use to cope when things got too overwhelming. Halloween night I had nothing to do and so I decided to run to Walmart to find a few items to fill my box. I had been feeling pretty down before I left and thought getting out of the house might help.
As I walked around the store I felt myself getting more and more overwhelmed. I felt a panic attack coming on but felt completely helpless and couldn't think of any of the coping skills I had learned. I don't remember paying for my stuff but apparently I had because I had a receipt. I just remember finding myself in the car and not knowing what to do. All of a sudden I had a strong feeling to go see my counselor. Her office was just up the street a block or so.
I was crying almost uncontrollably by the time I went inside. She was with another client but when she saw me she told me to sit down and wait. I honestly don't remember much about what was said but I remember sitting on the floor of the office with another girl and drawing pictures. Eventually the girl left and I remember my counselor asking if she needed to call the cops to take me to the hospital. A couple of police officers came and I was given the option to have them follow or take me home or follow or take me to the hospital. I didn't feel like I could drive and I also didn't feel safe to go home. I felt like I might hurt myself or even attempt suicide.
I rode in the cop car to the hospital where I was taken into the emergency room but I don't recall much of what happened. I was told that I could voluntarily admit myself into the pshych unit or go home but that I would probably be better off in the psych unit. It was now after midnight. A security officer escorted me up to the psych unit where I checked myself in and was able to call my parents and tell them where I was. It hadn't really occurred to me til then that they were probably worried because I hadn't gone home.
I don't really remember much about the next day or two other than crying and sleeping a lot.
Eventually I was talked into joining the group therapy sessions. They preferred that I eat my meals with the group as well. I don't remember much about the other people who were there either patients or therapists. At first I kept pretty much to myself and just listened and observed. Eventually I started making comments and participating and even getting to know some of the people. I really enjoyed the music therapy and even had fun playing some of the games.
A couple of days after I arrived I met with a social worker and once or twice a week or more I would meet with a phychiatrist. Most of my meds were changed and everyday I was encouraged to set goals and work toward going home.
One of the first times I was asked to share what had led me to be there I started to explain the stress that I had been under over unemployment and not knowing where I was going to live when I got out. I was told by the social worker that anyone would be stressed in that situation and was made to feel like it wasn't a legitimate reason to be there. Several times during my stay she would say things to me or others that was almost belittling. I sometimes wondered how she kept her job.
Most people that checked into that program stayed for four to seven days. Each time I was asked if I felt ready to leave I would panic. I didn't feel ready to face the problems that were still waiting for me when I went home. Mom and Dad would come to visit every evening. Eventually I told them that I needed to know what to expect especially concerning whether or not we were going to move. They eventually, after much prayer and fasting, decided that we needed to come back to Emery County. After this decision was made I started feeling a little better.
I continued with therapy and learned a lot of coping skills and a lot about the thoughts and feelings I had been having. After about a week and a half I started to feel like I could return home. After a final meeting with the psychiatrist and a different social worker and setting up doctor appointments and counseling sessions, I was finally released after twelve days.
I returned home but didn't feel like I could really face people. In some ways I was embarrassed but mostly I just wasn't ready to talk about what had happened. It was determined that I had had a minor mental breakdown and I needed time to recover. I went home and started packing to get ready to move. I t was good to stay busy and I didn't have a lot of time to dwell n the problems that were still there. We made a few trips to Emery County to look for a place to live and to look for jobs. I was kind of hoping maybe I could go back to work at the grocery store but would see what happened.
The weekend and days before Thanksgiving we made the move to Castle Dale, Utah. We were home! I didn't know what was going to happen but I felt better just knowing I was back near friends and family. A few weeks after we moved into our new ward I was called to serve in the nursery. I was excited to be working with the young children. I didn't find a job and neither did Dad but in some ways that was a good thing. Dad took early retirement and was available when my 88-year-old grandpa broke his leg and was laid up for several months. I started seeing a different counselor and started going back to physical therapy for my neck and arm. Things weren't the greatest but for a while they were good.


These are some pics of the preschool I had hoped to have while I lived in Bountiful.

Miss Jen's Li'l Sprouts Preschool Helping your li'l sprout to grow!

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Anxiety, Depression, and my first suicide attempt.

2/23/2014

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WARNING!!!
I have been having some really negative thoughts and this post will go into some of the thoughts and feelings I have had both now and in the past, some of which led up to two different intentional overdoses in the hopes of ending my life.
WARNING!!!

First of all I want to say that I am not currently suicidal in the fact that I don't have a plan in mind. However, I am not saying that the thoughts haven't been there.
I don't want to offend anyone so consider yourself warned. Also, I want this blog to be positive but in order to explain the good I also have to explain the bad. If you don't want to hear about it then I understand and you can go back to whatever you were doing before you opened this blog. Hopefully the next post will get back to the more positive side of my struggles.
To begin, I watched this video on YouTube this morning and felt like it was a good explanation of the cycle of depression that many people like myself go through. You can watch it now or come back to it later.
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Since my mission it seems like I have gone through a lot more depression than before. For a while my life was going pretty well but then, as it seems to happen, things would get out of control. I am a person who likes structure and control in my life. Without it, life feels very chaotic. When life gets chaotic my anxiety gets out of control leading to depression.
Several years ago things had been going pretty well until I injured my neck. I'm still not sure what happened exactly except that one day I couldn't move my neck and I was in a lot of pain. I went to my chiropractor and he told me to take the rest of the day off and go home and relax with an ice pack. After a few weeks of treatments and trying to relax when not at work, I was working in a grocery store meat department where I was in charge of wrapping and stocking the deli, the chiropractor told me to take a week off. When I still wasn't getting better I took two weeks off. After about a month of working, seeing the chiropractor and my regular doctor, and starting physical therapy, I was told to take off work indefinitely.
I went through an MRI, CT scan, and X-rays with no cause being found. It was a hard time and I was very depressed. After six months I was finally given the okay to go back to work part time.
In the meantime, I had had to move out of my apartment because I couldn't pay rent so I was living with my sister and her husband and four kids. I also got behind on my other bills. I was stressed all the time and didn't know what I was going to do.
Living with my sister brought on even more stress. I started hating myself more and more for the situation I was in. I should have been able to take care of things on my own. I also felt like my sister was taking advantage of me living with her. I felt like she still had a life but I didn't and it wasn't fair. I was trying to make the best of the situation by not complaining about not having any privacy and feeling like I was the built in baby-sitter, after all I love my nieces and nephews like they were my own. I don't think I was stable enough to be in that situation. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and am very grateful to her for taking me in. In some ways our relationship was strengthened because of it but in other ways it was just too much.
Things were building up inside. I felt strangely alone and yet like I had not time for myself. My bills were piling up and I was only working about 15 hours a week. My paychecks were barely paying my gas to get back and forth the extra 20 miles to and from work.
I had a hard time talking to people about what was going on. I had started seeing a different counselor who I didn't really feel comfortable with. I sometimes felt like she was criticizing me for the thoughts and feelings I was having, that for some reason they weren't legitimate reasons for being depressed. The bishop of that ward had helped me out a few times but I didn't feel completely comfortable around him either. He was however helping with the bills, or so I thought.
One week in April 2011, it seemed like everything that could go wrong that week did. I was getting extremely depressed and stressed out. Later in the week I was supposed to have an appointment with the counselor and the psychiatrist. I kept telling myself that I could get through until I saw them. When the day came for my appointments I went to the office where I was informed that I couldn't see them because my bill had not been paid. I told them that the bishop had said he had paid it but they insisted that it hadn't been paid and that until I was caught up I couldn't talk to anybody there. I had a panic attack right there and then. I didn't know what I was going to do. They let me sit in an empty office until I calmed down but that seemed to be the final straw.
I couldn't take anymore. I was tired of being in pain all the time both physically and emotionally. I just wanted the pain to be done with. I didn't want to deal with life anymore. I went home and immediately took several anxiety pills and anti-depressants. That was on a Thursday. Over the next three days I would take one or two pills every couple of hours. I don't even know what all I took or how many I took. That weekend we had a birthday party for my niece. I don't remember it. I know I was there because I have pictures, but most of the weekend was a blur. I slept a lot.
On Sunday I didn't go to church because I didn't feel well enough to wake up. I felt like I was in a haze and wasn't really aware of what was going on. That afternoon I had a realization of what I was doing and in some ways I didn't care but I was also scared. My sister and her family had gone to her in-laws and I felt like I probably ought to tell her what was going on. When she didn't return my texts or calls I felt like she didn't care so I decided I needed to get out of the house. A few weeks prior I had found a spot on the desert where I could go to think. I took some more pills and then took off.
It was a beautiful day And I pulled out my camp chair and just sat and enjoyed the breeze and the peacefulness. I felt myself slipping away. I knew there was no way I could drive back home. The drugs in my system had finally gotten to be too much. At first I was relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with life anymore but then I started to get scared. What had I done? Did I really want to die. I wasn't sure. What if God was angry at me? I felt like that would be worse than what my family would think. I pulled out my phone and called the number for the person on call for mental health. I didn't realize that it was the non emergency number for the sheriff's department. They asked me where I was and I wasn't really sure. I told them how I had gotten there and they said they were sending someone to find me. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't just let me talk to whoever was on call.
I don't really remember much after that. A couple of cops came and then the ambulance. They told me not to go to sleep but I must have. The next thing I remember was seeing my former counselor in the ER and he looked like he was extremely dis
appointed in me. I felt like a huge failure for many reasons, mainly because I was still here. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ICU. It was a restless night full of disappointment and heartache. I was scared. I didn't know what was going to happen to me.
My sister came the next day and was upset. She said she hadn't realized that things were that bad. She told me that my parents would be coming from Nevada that weekend to take me to live with them. I felt bad that my family was suffering but I was also angry at myself for chickening out and knowing that I was going to have to deal with the consequences and also still face the things that I had been trying to escape.
It took me a while after that to feel like I could actually function again. The problems didn't go away but having my parents support helped a lot. I started seeing another counselor out in Elko that I felt comfortable with although looking back, I don't think she really
helped me that much, I just seemed to be able to cope a little better.
I spent eight and a half months in the Elko, Nevada area. I started working for Head Start in the fall and loved my job even though it was only a few hours a week. I was teaching the seven and eight year olds in Primary and grew to love them. I still had my trials but I felt like I was doing much better.
In January 2012, Mom, Dad, and I moved to Bountiful, Utah. I didn't like the city and I struggled to fit in the ward and to find a job. The nice thing was that we lived near my brother and his family and I had the chance to spend time with them and get to know them better. I found a counselor who I loved and felt like she really cared about me as more than just a client but as a person. I got to see my mission trainer quite often as well since she went to the same counselor. Things seemed to be going better for a while but I should have known it would only be a matter of time when I would start to feel like everything was out of control. I will have to write more about that later.
I hope I haven't offended anyone by speaking about these things. It is not easy and until now I haven't really told that many people about what happened. As I stated when I started this blog, I am doing this for my own therapy. It is not my intent to offend or scare people away but it has been helpful for me to share so I will continue to do so. If I lose readers in the process, oh well. I do hope you will come back though. Thanks for your support.


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What is Love?

2/14/2014

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Have you ever been in love? I mean really, truly, deeply in love? I'm not sure I even know what that means.
According to merriam-webster.com love the short definition is:
a) a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
b) attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship
c) a person you love in a romantic way


I have experienced the first kind of love. I feel love for my family and friends. They mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and I know that I can rely on them to do a lot for me as well. But what about the other two definitions?
I don't think I have ever felt the other kinds of love. I have never really dated anyone that made me have those kinds of feelings. Most of the dates I have been on were in high school and were mostly dates to girl's choice type dances. I can count on one hand the amount of dates I have had since high school. All blind dates by the way. I did date the one guy for a couple of months but I never even started to feel those kinds of feelings I'm told come with love. He was a nice guy. We even had fun, I just didn't ever feel completely comfortable even though many of my family members were hoping it would work out. That was about 10 years ago or so.
So why I am writing this? Today is Valentine's Day. The day people dedicate to celebrating being in love. Also, I got a message from a friend wondering if I would be interested in going out with a nice guy she works with.
Let's first talk about this "nice guy." I am sure he is probably really nice but that is always what people tell me when they want to set me up. Let me tell you a little more about a few of my "blind dates." A couple of them were set up by friends and the guy I dated more than once was set up by my Grandpa Palmer
. They were all "nice guys" I guess.
One guy was the brother-in-law to a friend and neighbor. She had actually dated him before she dated her husband. We decided to double and go bowling. It seemed like a good idea at the time. However once we got to the bowling alley my friend and my date spent most of the time only talking to each other while I was left visiting her husband and we bowled. Needless to say there was no second date.
Another guy was a client of one of my neighbors. It wasn't necessarily a date, we were just going to go get pizza and hang out. We sat on opposite sides of his living room and mostly talked to my neighbor and his girlfriend. There was really no connection of any kind. I didn't really feel all that comfortable around him and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had a physical handicap. I didn't feel comfortable in the fact that when he looked at me or talked to me it kind of gave me a creepy feeling. For months afterward he would call me and talk and try and get me to go out with him. After several months I almost felt like he was stalking me. I finally got up the nerve to actually be a little rude and tell him not to call me anymore. Up til then I had tried to tell him I wasn't interested but it didn't seem to matter. Anyway that kind of turned me off from dating for a while.
Another friend asked me if I would be okay with writing letters to her brother-in-law. Officially we never dated. In fact we have only ever met two or three times. We did write to each other for a few years, including while I was on my mission. He lived in Idaho and I was here in Castle Dale, Utah. I felt like we developed a good friendship and I even grew to love him, as a good friend.
After a few years we kind of gradually stopped writing. I heard he got married and just this week I heard that his son got a mission call to Hong Kong. I am happy for him and hope he is happy.
So now for the guy that I dated for two months. My grandpa had always told me he knew this or that guy that he thought I might like. I always managed to put him off with back-up from my grandma. However when Grandma agreed with Grandpa that I might like this guy I finally let him set me up.
Grandpa always had season tickets to BYU football games. We decided that my dad and I would meet Grandpa and this guy and his son at the mall in Orem, Utah, go to dinner together, and then all go to the BYU Homecoming game where we would split up. He seemed really nice and his son was cute but I could tell he was a handful. We had a nice time at dinner and spent our time at the game talking and getting to know each other. However a warning sound started going off in my head when he asked me to go with them to Texas for Spring Break in March. It was October! I just told him I would think about it but that we should see where we were by then.
The next day the two of them came to visit me on their way back home to Colorado. They spent the afternoon and evening. We visited with my parents and even went and met my Grandpa &  Grandma Gardner. They ended up staying the night on the living room floor and leaving bright and early the next morning. We would talk a few times a week on the phone and then he would come up to visit. He even came to a family baptism and was invited to stand in the confirmation circle. I wasn't comfortable with that but many of my family members seemed to like him and I think they were hoping something romantic would develop between us.
On our second "date" he invited me to Colorado during the Christmas break to spend a week with his parents. I felt like he was really trying to rush into a relationship. Mostly I felt like he was just looking for a mother to raise his son and not so much for a wife. I was happy that he loved his son so much but on the other hand he seemed more interested in my qualifications as a mother than he was in me. Whenever he came to town I would get a lot of anxiety and I may have even had a few panic attacks.
Finally after several weeks, he wanted to come visit one weekend and I was going to be extreme busy with
family things. I didn't really want him to come. I wanted to tell him I wasn't interested in being anything more than friends but I wasn't sure how to. I have always hated confrontation of any kind even in non-threatening situations. I had been praying about what to do. In many ways I was afraid that if I broke things off I would miss my chance to ever have a romantic relationship. I was very confused and even somewhat depressed trying to decide what to do.
A few nights before he was supposed to come visit he called me. He didn't give me much chance to talk. He said that he didn't think things were going to work out. There were too many things standing in the way including distance. He apologized and I haven't heard from him since. I was relieved. I got what I wanted, an out from dating him, but I still felt bad.
There have been times over the years since then when I have wondered if I missed my chance for marriage and a family. However I know that I was not supposed to be with any of these nice guys, and they were all nice enough I guess. I have had friends of the opposite sex that people ask me about but that is what they are, just really good friends.
On the other hand, I see the things that my friends and family have gone through with broken relationships and marriages and I think maybe I am better off not ever falling in love.
I have mixed feelings and it scares me. I am 40 years old and at the moment there aren't any potential candidates. What if I never fall in love?
A patriarchal blessing has two main purposes. The second, guided by the spirit of prophecy, a patriarch will pronounce blessings and may also provide promises, cautions, or admonitions that apply specifically to you. Your patriarchal blessing may point out certain things you are capable of achieving and blessings you can receive if you exercise faith and live righteously. My patriarchal blessing tells me that, "In the due time of the Lord..." I will have an opportunity to be married in the temple for time and eternity. It also says that I shall have posterity and a family here. So I need to have faith that the Lord knows what is best for me and that if I live how He would have me live I can have these blessings.
The greatest desires of my heart are to feel that kind of love that will lead me to someone who will love me unconditionally for eternity. I believe in true love that lasts for eternity and that is a different kind of love. The kind of love I want is the kind of love described in the scriptures, pure Christ-like love. Love that is defined as a feeling of deep devotion, concern, and affection. Our love for those around us increases when we remember that we are all children of God—that we are spirit brothers and sisters. The love that results from this realization has the power to transcend all boundaries of nation, creed, and color. (See: True to the Faith)
I never imagined being alone on Valentine's Day at age 40. In the meantime, I am not completely depressed about being alone. I have the love of my family and friends to get me by. I also have the love of my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ; "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (See; John 3:16) There is no greater love than that!

www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/for-god-so-loved-the-world
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Replace Every Fearful Thought With An Act of Faith

2/9/2014

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FAITH- noun \'fāth\ (1) strong belief or trust in something or someone (2) belief in the existence of God (3) strong religious feelings or beliefs (4) a system of religious beliefs (www.merriam-webster.com)
FAITH-
The Apostle Paul taught that “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews11:1; see footnote b). Alma made a similar statement: “If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true” (Alma 32:21). Faith is a principle of action and power. Whenever you work toward a worthy goal, you exercise faith. You show your hope for something that you cannot yet see. (True To The Faith)

The past few days I have been seeing a lot of quotes in the form of memes or status updates about faith. It got me to thinking about my mission theme, see the title of this post. During my mission and especially since then I have written in a journal many scriptures and quotes pertaining to this topic.
You see, I feel like I have always struggled to have faith in most things and situations. People always say that my faith is strong. I guess when I think about it, I am strong in my faith in some things and weak in many others.
As a missionary I really struggled with feelings of inferiority. I didn't feel like I had adequate knowledge to share the Gospel with those I came in contact with. Don't get me wrong, I have a testimony and I know the basics, but in a way I felt like I was learning as much or more than what I was teaching. Every day I would pray for the strength to get through the day using what little faith I felt I had that the Lord would help me get through.
Throughout my mission we had several zone conferences dedicated to faith. The first time I heard the theme was at a zone conference a few weeks prior to starting my trial mission. I had the opportunity to meet the mission president and his wife the night before they held a zone conference in Price, Utah, about 30 miles or so from where I live. After we met Pres. Brown invited me to the zone conference to get an idea of what to expect and also to meet some of the other missionaries.
Right now I can't remember a lot of details but I remember hearing the quote, "Replace every fearful thought with an act of faith." There was also a scripture that went with it; 2 Timothy 1:
7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I wrote this quote and scripture on a sticky note and hung it on my wall and put it in my scriptures. I tried to read it especially when I was having a hard time during my mission.
Since my mission it has helped me as well. I still have a hard time exercising my faith in a lot of ways but I am learning that faith is the biggest tool we have in our fight against the bad things that happen, namely faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ. After all we are taught that He is always there. That He will guide us if we just show as much faith as a mustard seed.
My mom is always reminding us of the mustard seed. Think about it! How big is a mustard seed? Almost too small to see, right? If that is all it takes, why is it so hard?
Another scripture in Alma 32 states, "
But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. 
"Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me."

Notice the bold underlined letters? I had a seminary teacher point this out to me. The way you know your faith is growing spells out the word SEED.
A quote I found on Pinterest from Henry B. Eyring says, "Acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it."
I guess I could go on and on. I'm not sure what I was trying to get across with this post. I still feel like my faith is small but I am trying to exercise it and make it grow. I know that is the best way to overcome the trials and adversities in my life. I just have to have faith.
To end this post I am going to share some of my favorite quotes about faith. I wanted to share the words to a Primary song but it is copyrighted so if you want to read them it is called Faith and it is page 96 in the current Children's Songbook, or you can find it at www.lds.org.


"Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness."

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear"

"Faith is trusting God even when you don't understand His plan."

"Faith: it does not make things easy it makes them possible."

"Take time to build faith to be ready to face the trials that life brings. We need to nourish our faith so that it will take us through some of the darker days, the days that are full of trials."

“First and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.”
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

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The BIG 4-0!!!

2/3/2014

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Saturday was my birthday. I am now 40 years old! I was born in the Salt Lake Valley in 1974. I was the first child born to my parents and also the first grandchild on both sides of the family. I was joined 17 months later by a sister and a brother 364 days after that. Our family was completed when another sister joined the family in 1979.
We were pretty close growing up. We were typical siblings. We had our disagreements but we also love to play and do other things together.
When I was six years old our family moves to Emery County, Utah. It was a hard transition time for me. I had started kindergarten at a school where the students worked at their own level in reading and math
I was now going to a school where they were still learning sight words and basic math like 2+2=4. My first day at the new school I had what I would now call, looking back, an anxiety attack. It is the first one I remember having although my mom says she can't recall a time in my life when I didn't have anxiety. From that time on I hated new and unknown situations. I would get really nervous and usually cried.
Throughout school I struggled with learning and understanding. I was also bullied somewhat by my classmates all through elementary, junior high, and even in high school. Kids made fun of me, calling me bawl baby and saying I was dumb. Sometimes kids would push me around. I didn't have many friends and I hated school. It wasn't until I was in high school that I finally decided that I didn't care what others thought. At least that is what I would tell myself. I don't think I really believed it though.
Growing up was hard in other ways as well. My dad never made a lot of money while we were growing up other than when he was in the coal mines. The problem was he was always getting laid off for one reason or another and would then work minimum wage jobs. My parents seemed to always be struggling to pay the bills. We didn't get to do a lot of the things other kids our age got to do. I didn't really mind because at least I knew they were trying and they did what they could. The problem was that if I knew my parents were worried about something I would worry too. To this day I tend to take on every one else's problems as well as my own.
My parents did a great job of raising us kids the best they could and I am very grateful to them for raising us right. We had our problems but we stuck together because that is what family is all about. I have never doubted that they would do anything they could for us and still will.


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After I finally graduated high school, I moved to the Salt Lake Valley with my aunt and cousins, a few blocks from my grandma & grandpa Palmer. I had decided that college wasn't for me and so I was going to go try and find a job and then decided what I wanted to do with my life. I really enjoyed being able to spend time with my family that lived in the valley. I hadn't been able to do that as much as I would have liked while I was growing up. However, with only that exception, I hated living in the city.
I didn't have a car at the time and so I had to rely on walking or waiting until somebody could take me where I wanted or needed to go. There was always the bus but, even now, I get extremely nervous and panic when I even think about having to ride. I am sure I will get lost and there are too many people sitting close together. Just writing about it makes me nervous. So I only looked for jobs close to where I lived. Of course since I only had a high school diploma, job options were limited.
I finally got a job working in a local drive through diner. Day one sucked and day two was even worse. They never really even trained me, just told me what to do and expected me to do it. by the third day I was so frustrated and freaking out that I quit. I went home and called my parents and told them to come get me. I hated living there and I just wanted to go home. They came the next day and I have mostly lived in Emery County ever since
A couple months later my mom happened to talk to a family friend who has her own preschool. Mom asked her if she would consider letting me help out. I loved kids and had thought about becoming a preschool teacher but hadn't wanted to go to college to become a teacher. This friend agreed to let me come volunteer part time for the rest of the school year. The following year she hired me to help out in two of her three classes. By the third year I helped every day. I loved it! It was so fun to work with the little children and to help them learn and watch them grow. It is hard to believe that 20 years have gone by. I recently went back to work at that job and am teaching the children of a couple of kids I taught that first year. That is one thing that makes me feel old.
The next ten years or so were okay. I liked my job and was content to live at home and not do anything else. Oh, I had tried a few times to get another job but my anxiety seemed to always get the best of me. I didn't feel comfortable working with the public. I always felt inadequate
I didn't have much of a social life either. I dated a guy for a couple of months but I never felt completely comfortable around him. I also felt like he was looking for more of somebody to raise his child and take care of things at home than he really cared about finding a wife. He seemed to be rushing things a lot faster than I wanted to go. On our very first date he invited me to go with him and his son to Six Flags over Texas for Spring Break. It was just October. A few weeks later he invited me to come to his home in Colorado and stay between Christmas and New Year's with his parents. I felt a lot of pressure from him and also some of my family to try and make things work. I just couldn't do it. He was a nice enough guy but I just didn't feel anything for him. There have been times since then when I have looked back and wondered if I made a mistake but then I remember that I had prayed about it and knew that it wasn't meant to be.

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By the fall of 2005 I was still teaching preschool and still enjoying it. I had actually though about maybe going to school but never felt right. I think it was mostly due to the anxiety but nevertheless I hadn't done it.
As school was starting that September my dad got a call about a job working in the gold mines in Northern Nevada. He and Mom went to Elko for the interview and they wanted him to start as soon as possible. We didn't know what to do. I had already started and was committed to that school year but it was a job Dad couldn't turn down.
I happened to mention what was going on to a dear friend whose daughter was in preschool that year. She told me that I was welcome to come and live with them. I kind of thought she was joking. After a few days of prayer and discussion I decided to see how serious my friend was since I couldn't come up with any other options. When I called her she said that she and her husband had prayed about it as well and that they both felt that it was the right thing to do. After more prayer and discussion with my parents we too felt like it was right. In October Mom and Dad moved to Elko and then Spring Creek, Nevada while I moved in with my friends and their family.
We had agreed that I would live there until school got out and then I would try and find another job and my own place or move to Nevada with my parents. It was a good year and I am grateful that I had the chance to grow closer to that family. They have done so much for me and I know I can never repay them for their love and kindness.
It was toward the end of the school year when a sister in my ward asked me if I had ever considered serving a mission. I literally laughed out loud. A mission was the last thing I ever pictured myself doing. I knew that because of the anxiety I had struggled with all my life and the depression that I frequently fell into that it would be extremely difficult to serve. So, I laughed it off and didn't think another thing about it until that sister brought it up again a few weeks later.
School had been out for a week or two and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I had been praying about it but felt like whatever I did would be okay. I didn't really like that answer. I wanted the Lord to somehow tell me that I should do this and be good with it.
I had finally decided that I would just move to Nevada and go from there.
When the sister brought it up again, I didn't laugh it off as easily but I still wasn't going to seriously consider it. However, that night after the kids had gone to bed, my friend and I were talking and she said that the other sister had mentioned the idea of me serving a mission. she wondered what I thought about it. I told her that it wasn't something I had ever planned on doing but that I had been thinking about it off and on that day. Anyway one thing led to another and by Thanksgiving I was getting ready to submit my papers.
I have mentioned the struggle I had in the MTC and I will post later about the struggles I had on my mission. Let me just say that things got to a point on my mission where I became more depressed than I had ever been in my life up to that point. I ended up coming home almost exactly one year after I had entered the MTC. The past seven years have been the emotional roller coaster that I have posted about.
In 2010 I injured my neck and have had problems ever since. After six months of being off work I finally went back part time only to quit two months later. I have had CT scans, an MRI, and X-rays which have all come back negative. In December 2013 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I live with pain every day.
In the past, almost, three years I have intentionally overdosed twice. I have live in Nevada, Northern Utah, and now back in Emery County. I am still struggling every day with the anxiety and depression. It is something I will probably fight most of the rest of my life.
Now that I am 40 I decided that I can either have a mid life crises, another breakdown or I can start to take control of my life. I'm going to try harder to not let things get to me. I am hoping to become a healthier, happier person so that 40 years from now I can look back and say that things were much better.
I am going to start by trying harder to trust in my Savior and His love for me. I need to remember that I can't do it on my own. I am writing this blog as a way to exert my feelings and not dwell on them. I am also relying on you my friends and family and anybody else who reads this to give me words of encouragement and support.
For my birthday Mom and Dad asked that my friends and family write emails, texts, and Facebook messages sharing your thoughts and birthday wishes. They asked that you list four things you admire about me and they are going to put it in a scrapbook so that I can read it and know that I am loved and I am not alone. If anybody reading this would like to join in please comment about what you like or make suggestions about this blog.
I was reading another blog the other day of a man I have come to greatly admire. I asked him if I could share the link to his blog and he said yes. A lot of what he has to say really hits close to home for me. His latest blog was titled,
THIS is The Most Damning Belief of All Time by Seth Adam Smith. What is the belief? I can’t change. I am a victim of my circumstances.
 I realize that I have been a victim of my own beliefs. I am going to try much harder to not be a victim anymore.
So here is to another 40 years. Hoping they are much better than the first 40.

http://sethadamsmith.com
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    Jennifer Gardner

    I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I have also recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I created this blog to share some of the things that I deal with and the ways I handle them and cope.

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