Jen's Life of a Depressed Mormon Woman - Blog

My Quest for Happiness :)

2/11/2017

The prophet Joseph Smith said, "Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it."
According to https://www.merriam-webster.com, the definition of happiness is a: a state of well-being and contentment: joy b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience.
http://www.dictionary.com says that happiness is 1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
In The Book of Mormon, King Benjamin gives a great address to his people in which he makes the following statement; "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." (Mosiah 2:41)
As you know, one of my favorite LDS speakers is the apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. In September of 2014, he gave a devotional address to the students of BYU-Idaho titled, "Living After the Manner of Happiness." This is the resource I would like to share today to help in the ongoing "quest" to overcome depression and anxiety. You can find the transcript here: http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/Devotionals/2014_09_23_holland.htm

Dealing with Depression and Mental Illness (Mormon.org)

1/10/2017

I am stealing this blog post from a blog on mormon.org. It is another great resource for finding ways to deal with mental illness. Here is the link you can copy and paste:
https://www.mormon.org/blog/dealing-with-depression-and-mental-illness

Depression, anxiety, and other forms of mental illness are real and can be overwhelming, even debilitating. However, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland encourages: “Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”
Whether seeking relief through counseling, medical assistance, or the support of family and friends, those struggling with mental illness can find hope and healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Watch, listen, and read as others share their insights about dealing with different forms of mental illness.
These two brief video messages offer hope when dealing with mental illness.

I think I've shared the video above before. It is still good to watch it again.

Dealing with Depression
mormon.org

About 9 percent of American adults from all walks of life experience feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and/or guilt that generate a diagnosis of some form of depression. About 3 percent of adults have major depression, also known as major depressive disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the largest scientific organization dedicated to mental health issues, women are 70% more likely than men deal with depression during their lifetimes.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland framed major depression as "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively..."
The impact of depression is real. But the hope and healing offered through the gospel of Jesus Christ is real too.

FIVE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland offers helpful tips on dealing with depression and its effects. In his remarks entitled "Like a Broken Vessel," he provides these thoughts:

1. Never lose faith in God, your Heavenly Father

2. Slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill

3. If the condition becomes debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values

4. Don't assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can

5. Remember through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for

Watch Elder Holland's full remarks on this topic here:

I'm pretty sure that I have shard the above video as well. This is such a great talk. I remember when it was given and I was relieved to hear someone, a General Authority even, talk about things in a way that I could totally relate to because he had been there and he knew.
I found the following quote this morning and wanted to share it as well:

"It is not the load that breaks you down. It's the way you carry it." - Lou Holtz

New Year, New Blog Post

1/7/2017

Happy New Year (almost a week late)!!!
So last year I obviously didn't do so well keeping this blog up to date. I lost interest for a while. I am hoping to do better for 2017. However, I won't make any promises.
I am going to try something a little different. I want to share some resources to help with Depression and Anxiety. Whenever possible I will share the link for you to copy and paste. (I still haven't figured out how to make it so you can just click the link.) The majority of resources will be from LDS (Mormon) talks and devotionals. I may also include recommendations for books and other things not on the internet.
The first talk I would like to share was shared with me this morning on Facebook. I received a message from an acquaintance who had heard it and thought I might be interested. So I looked it up on YouTube and listened to it as I was doing some other things. I found myself stopping every once in a while to write something down or rewind just to hear what she said again. It was a very good talk. It was given at BYU Education Week on August 15, 2005 by Carrie M Wrigley. It is almost an hour long, but it is worth listening.

June 20th, 2016

6/20/2016

"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)"
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

It's a Boy!....

8/24/2015

Meet Buddy! The newest addition to the Gardner family. He is 10 weeks old, today. I have had him for a little over two weeks. He is a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix, called a Chiweenie or Mexican Hot Dog! He is the source of joy and much frustration in my life and, I am in love! Just look at those big brown eyes and tell me he is not the cutest puppy in the world! (Photo by McKenzie Garrison)
My parents, especially my dad, have wanted to get me a puppy to help with my depression and anxiety. We haven't gotten one before now because we really can't afford it.
Last December, a friend asked me if I wanted a puppy. She had one that she wanted to give me, after reading this blog and my Facebook posts about my depression. She said that her dog had helped her with her depression. However, things didn't work out. In some ways I was relieved. I didn't feel like I could take care of a puppy when I can hardly take care of myself some times.
I had pretty much ruled out getting a puppy or dog until that same friend called me a few weeks ago. She said she had a puppy if I wanted it. The only thing was that she needed me to take him that night because their family was going out of town. Without even really thinking about it, I told her I wanted him and to bring him over. As soon as I saw him, I was in love! He and I bonded immediately and he has been following me around, and annoying me, ever since.
Since that day, I have wondered many times, what was I thinking! I have found myself crying, almost uncontrollably, several times, thinking I am in way over my head. I don't know much about raising puppies. I found a book at Deseret Industries, aka D.I., a Mormon (LDS) thrift store, called "Puppies for Dummies." I have talked to friends and relatives and have done some research online. I feel even more overwhelmed trying to sort it all out.
I have tried several things to try and potty train him, get him to sleep through the night in his own bed, and to get him to quit scratching and biting. He refuses to go potty outside. Instead he waits 'til we come back in and then goes in the office or behind the couch, or somewhere else he shouldn't. I try to take him when he wakes up, after meals, and after play. He won't go where I want him to. He has gotten a little better as I have spread more training pads throughout the house, so I am trying to have patience.
I got him a carrier to sleep in at night because I was told that was a good way to help potty train them not to go at night. He hates his carrier! He whines every time I put him inside. When I let him out in the middle of the night to take him potty, he refuses to go back in. I can't handle the whining and so I usually let him out and either lay on the floor with him next to his bed or put him in my bed, something I swore I wouldn't do. I was told that by putting him in the carrier to sleep, it helps with potty training because a dog won't go where it sleeps. So why was I up the other night at 2am cleaning the poop and pee out of said carrier?
As for the biting/scratching, at first when I would tell him no, he would back off. Now he just seems to be getting more aggressive. There are sometimes when he wants nothing to do with his toys and just wants to bite my fingers, arms, chin, nose, ears, toes, etc. When I tell him no, he bites harder. It is very frustrating!
I really don't know what I was thinking. I thought the point of getting a dog was to help ease my stress not make it worse. Don't get me wrong though, I love him too much to get rid of him. I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love my Buddy!

I'm Still Here/For Those Who Have Strayed

6/17/2015

I didn't realize that it had been so long since my last post until I just logged on. I need to get back in the habit of writing.
I am sure there are probably a million things I should write about, but where would I begin. Today I am just going to share a few thoughts and feelings I've been having lately.
If I get around to it, there is at least one story I want to share in the next day or two. It is a miraculous story and dear to me and my family, but I want to be able to share it in a way that might touch others and not belittle, (I'm not sure if that is the right term) the event and the people involved.
One thing that I want to talk about concerns something that I have been thinking about lately. I was just talking about this subject within the last week or two. Then, late Sunday night, this popped up on my Facebook news feed. It is from my mission page:

"so has anybody else noticed that a lot of people we served with are either not active, removing their names, or straight out going against it all?
*"lets keep the comments nice in here, we can keep some sense of sensitivity. the point is to help people back right?"

Over the last few days, many of the former missionaries I served with or around, have posted their thoughts and feelings on the subject. Here are some comments that I made:

"I was just talking about this with my parents the other day. I think the best thing to do is not judge and show them that we are still their friends no matter what choices they make in this life. I still love every one of the people I taught and served with. I hope that through my love and example they can find their way back. If not, I will still love them any way. I am so thankful to my Savior for His Atonement. I know I might not be active or even alive today if it weren't for Him!"

"I just saw this on my news feed:

I would like to share a few of the other thoughts that were posted. I hope they don't mind. I have deleted the names so that people won't judge.

"And yet, in conference they said that the church has never been stronger and continues to grow rapidly. smile emoticon but yes, it still does happen. I just try and remember that we're all on our own journey as we go down the path of life. I've had people in my life who have come back after many many years of being away and they're so much stronger for it."

"It is not just our mission friends.. Satan is working overtime.
I have had a best friend remove his name because of his wife getting him into anti stuff. One left the church to be openly gay and find love. A 3rd found love outside the church moved in with him, now they are married but she forgets to go to church."

"Its heartbreaking. Fellow missionaries, friends, and family. Even the elect are not immune to temptation. Enduring to the end is not "just getting by" that's not enough any more. You have to constantly be feeding your faith. Not just faithful members, but members who are full of faith."

"t is soooo sad. In the last days, even the elect, some of the strongest will be deceived. Fortunately, because of the Atonement, It gives me hope that even those that I loved as fellow missionaries can come back!"

"I still love everyone of them that I came in contact with. They still have that light its just dimmed. We must always remember that those are the ones that we need to pray for as well. And ALWAYS hold on to the hope that the light will come back."

"It is heartbreaking but I think we can still do something for them. We can keep pray for them in our daily personal prayer or put their name on temple prayer roll, contact via facebook or other SNS and share our love to them. I believe that each of us still could be one of the Lord's strong tool to reach them, lead and guide them to come back to the path that the Lord wants them to be."

"We all have trials. And while God said he will never give us more than we can handle, we can give ourselves more than we can handle. To many thoughts and questions can cause doubt and loss of trust. And just like in a relationship....trust is so hard to get back once lost."

"The days that we live in it's very easy to become distracted and over indulge in pleasure. The scriptures talk a lot about waking up or remembering and it becomes very hard to do so if you're constantly stimulated and only seeking Entertainment. Also it says that in the last days that they will have a form of godliness but denying the power thereof. We are becoming very proud and neglecting others. Most of the world is impoverished and are in need of love and care, instead greedy people keep them slaves to richer countries. With evil being considered good and good being considered evil it is easy but sad to see people fall away. I think the best way to help them is to not be preachy. I made that mistake and it didn't turn out well.. I think one of the best things we can do is just be worthy of the Holy Ghost and if we are, then we can be prompted to say or do the right thing that can help those that are in need."

"maybe we organize a mass fast with all of us?"

" I've already seen some leave and then come back again. When they come back it is absolutely wonderful!"

"For me, this coming fast Sunday will be dedicated to our friends!"

"lets do that, this next fast sunday. I'm down for that"

"There are a couple of close friends and some family members who also had big issues with the church in their younger years....when you have experiences like that it easily carries over into adulthood. Again, we all take our own journey and all of us need to honor each other's journey AND our own! Just like President Monson said, "Life is perfect for none of us....." We need to find forgiveness for ourselves too."

"...we continue to stand now as we did 9 years ago. We ought to, as not only RM's, but brothers and sisters in the gospel, stand with and support those in need of comfort. Each of us have, and most assuredly will go through trials. We need to have the courage to love others. In the world today, there is a sharp need for the willingness to serve God and our fellow man. For everyone we served with, the only thing that has changed is their surroundings and circumstances, not their hearts and beliefs. Thanks for sparking so much engagement on here."

"Everyone has challenges, some have sexual tendencies the church does not approve of acting upon, some of us have anger issues, some lack spiritual confirmation and for some they must rely on the testimony of others while others get their own testimony.....and that's doctrine. There are many reasons i could leave the church, many things that don't sit right and don't make sense, especially being a convert and having a black sister.....but i CHOOSE to continue growing and continue going. sooooo with that said, remember Elder Uchtdorf and his talk, stop worrying about everyone elses front yard when yours looks like olive branch grafting glue."

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of my mission and the many people I met there, including the many wonderful missionaries I served with. Many of those missionaries have gone inactive or left. I pray and think about them all the time. I love and miss you guys and I'm all in for a fast this upcoming Sunday!"

"Guys! This awesome, I miss all of you! It's fun to be interacting again like this, years later, without any hostility. One thing I always try to do is remember that were here in this temporal state, we don't understand everything, but one day we will. And when that day comes we will have each other and the bonds that we nurtured. No matter where we are in life we are and should always be a support to each other!"

Mission President: "I read your comments this morning and was touched and grateful to hear from and about all of you. It seems that the one lesson we should take from these and other comments we may hear, that none of us should be a judge. I'm confident that every one of us has our private battles to fight and we have plenty to occupy our time fighting our own weaknesses and short comings without pointing out those of other people."

"I just want every missionary I served with to know how much I love and appreciate them. I have very special memories of every one. Some might have worker harder than others, some may have been more effective; some may have enjoyed their missions more, but really, this is not the most important thing. I viewed each and every missionary as an individual who made a decision to come on a mission. That itself showed a desire to be there. I just wanted each missionary to make the best contribution he could and learn and grow himself or herself the best possible way. Thanks to you all for your kind thoughts and words to each other. I hope you will keep it up. I am pleased to see the use of this website to share and care with each other. Sister Brown and I send our love and best wishes to you all and hope to hear from you. If we can ever help anyone, we will do our best to do so. The temple keeps us busy now, but we have time to help if there is a need. Love and best wishes, [Mission President]"

I'm apologize for this post not being my own words, but the thoughts of those I posted, echo my own. I am saddened every time I hear of somebody leaving the Church for whatever reason. It doesn't matter if they are family members, friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers.
I have seen this happen to many good friends. They make choices that go against the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or just decide they don't want to go for whatever reason. I am not judging them. I just know how much the Gospel has helped me and I want others to have the opportunity of allowing the Savior to help them, through His teachings.
By no means am I saying that if you don't believe in this Church and it's teachings like I do, that you are a bad person. As I said before, I try not to judge. I try to follow my Savior's example and love as He does. I know that He and our Father in Heaven love each and every one of us, no matter what.
One of the many reasons I try not to judge, is because I have felt myself going down the path to becoming less active in my church attendance. There have been many times when I have not felt accepted or have just not felt comfortable. Mostly, my depression and anxiety have caused me to feel like it is not worth it, that nobody would care one way or the other if I attended my meetings or not.
On the aforementioned Facebook posting, another dear,former sister missionary talked about her depression and the things related that made her go less-active for years after returning home. She has returned to activity but says she is finding herself slipping away again. This sister was a former companion, who, I admit, I didn't get along with while we were together. She and I had many struggles. I blame my part in it on the fact that my depression was worsening.
Anyway, despite our struggles, I admired her deeply as a missionary and also a friend. HEre is my response to her post:

"I know we had a rough companionship, but I learned so much from you. I admired your knowledge if the scriptures and also how you always tried to be exactly obedient.
"I was fighting with depression my whole mission. It came to a real low point when I was with you. I never blamed you, in fact, after I returned home, I realized that if it hadn't been for your example, things could have been a lot worse. I realized you were struggling too, but you kept going. It was for that reason I felt like I could stick it out.
"Since coming home I have struggled a lot with my depression. As you may know, I survived two attempts of taking my life. What most people don't know is that there have been many, many times when I wanted to give up. I know the only reason I haven't is because I am afraid of disappointing my Heavenly Father. I have to remind myself often, that my Savior loves me and He is the only one who completely understands what I am going through, because He's been there. My favorite scriptures since the mission are Alma 7:11-12. I won't quote them because you already know them.
"I don't think I have ever told you how much I love you. I have always considered you my friend, even through our difficult transfer together. I often pray for you and even put your name on the temple prayer roll.
"Please stay strong, my friend, and remember that you are a daughter of God, and you are loved."

I guess the main reason I am posting this blog entry right now is because I feel like a hypocrite in saying some of the things I did. I am struggling right now with wanting to go to church. I feel like I mostly go because it is what is expected of me. My faith is weak. I'm not sure what I believe any more. I have always struggled with prayer. I'm not sure the Lord really hears and answers me unless I am praying for others.
I am not asking for sympathy. I am also not saying that I am so far down with depression that I would do something I might regret. I am just asking that maybe you say a prayer for me, and also look around you at your family and neighbors who may be struggling and say a prayer for them as well.
To end I would just like to share a link to a talk that I found titled, "Feed My Sheep" by Elder Ben B. Banks in the October 1999 General Conference.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/feed-my-sheep?lang=eng&query=lost+sheep

I would invite each of you to join in a fast for those you know who may have strayed. As a former missionary in the Utah Provo Mission, I will be fasting, along with my fellow returned missionaries, for those whom I love that need my love, example, thoughts, and prayers.

Overwhelming Frustration and Sadness

2/26/2015

I need to write today to try and get through some frustrations and painful memories. Some things have happened recently that have reminded me of some dark days in the past when I felt depression taking over my life. It is not that I am depressed, exactly, I am just feeling overwhelmed with emotions and I am having a hard time.
For the sake of those involved, I will not use names or their relationship to me. This is to protect them and their privacy as well as to not cause embarrassment. I will also not go into details about what led to the events I am going to write about. I do hope that they will forgive me for sharing at all but, for my own sanity, I need to do this.
First of all, I have been feeling frustrated because my SSI payments are supposedly being reduced by about $100. That may not seem like much to some people, but considering that I don't make very much to begin with, it is huge to me. Apparently the check is being cut because of how much they estimated I would make in January. The problem is, their estimate was more than double what I actually earned. I am not even sure how they figured I would make that much. I have never made that much money in a single month that I have worked at my current job. EVER!!!
I am also frustrated because starting in March my Food Stamps have been reduced about $100. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily like being on food stamps, any more than receiving Social Security benefits, but when you are on a tight budget every little bit helps.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that I am now 41 and I am still single. Most of the time I am okay with this, but for some reason I have really been wishing that that was not the case. When I was younger I never dreamed that I would still be single into my forties. The only thing I have ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother.
I try not to think about it most of the time since it is not something I can control. I mean, I can't just run to Walmart and pick out a family. I have been promised that if I live worthy that I will have the opportunity to have a family. The thing is, the promise told me that it is in the "due time of the Lord." Sometimes I just have a really hard time with it not being my time. Don't get me wrong. I am not questioning the Lord, but I can sometimes forget to be patient.
Well, now for the main reason I am feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated.
there have been some things going on with some people that are very close to me. Some things that nobody should have to go through. What has got me so frustrated is that people who should be doing more to make things better are actually making things worse. One person in particular, that I used to be closer to, has been the cause of a lot of grief and pain. Lies have been told over and over and problems ignored or brushed aside. Unfortunately as a result, either direct or indirect, this has caused some major problems. It has really hurt someone I love very much.
I found out this morning that someone very dear to me, took about half a bottle of Tylenol in order to go to sleep and not have to deal with life and the pain. I was in total shock! I started to cry almost uncontrollably in grief and sadness that they felt this was the only way. Mostly I cried because of the feelings of guilt and shame that I felt because of the things that I have done.
Although my circumstances were much different as to what led to my suicide attempts, the feelings and thoughts were very similar. I only knew that I wanted to go to sleep and never have to deal with the pain again. I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated with life that I thought that was the only answer. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but in the moment that doesn't seem to matter. I could only think of how much better it would be if I didn't have to deal with the thoughts, feelings, and stress of every day life. I am grateful that I failed in my attempts to take my own life, most of the time. I admit, though, that occasionally I still think that things would be better if I had succeeded.
So, back to today. I have spent a lot of the day feeling regrets and wondering what could I have done differently to set a better example for this person. I feel like such a bad example! I keep wondering if I set the example of what to do when things get hard. The wrong example.
I am also having a hard time knowing that things happened as a result of others actions. I am frustrated with them, blaming them, and having a hard time knowing that I need to forgive them.
I am not sure that this is helping anybody, including myself. I am debating whether or not to post it. I don't want to cause more harm than help.
I do want this person, that is going through such difficult thoughts and feelings at this time, to know that I do understand more than some. I also want to apologize if I have been a bad example. Most of all, I just want to let them know that I love them and more importantly, our Heavenly Father loves them. Our Savior knows exactly what they are going through, and has paid the price because of His love for them.

Courage to overcome fears and share talents

2/20/2015

I have always had a secret dream to someday be a famous singer. Unfortunately, I let my fears get in the way of fulfilling that dream. I tell myself that I am not good enough, or nobody would by my album. I get terrified when I stand in front of crowds. About the only time I don't feel like passing out is when I sing in church, but at the same time I get extremely nervous and want to throw up afterward. In fact, for some reason I just don't get, the nerves hit me worse after I finish.
I am always amazed when I hear people, like in the video below, share their stories of how they push through their anxieties to do what they love. The first time I saw this performance I remember thinking, "If she can do it, why can't I? I want to do that!" of course my next thoughts became, "I could never get up in front of all those people." "I would get buzzed off the stage after two notes." "I am just not good enough to do something like that." "Good thing I am too old to audition for 'American Idol' because I wouldn't even make it through the first round." I know I shouldn't pay attention to those kind of thoughts but I do.
I am reminded of the Parable of the Talents found in Matthew 25:14-30:

14- For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.
15- And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16-Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
17- And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.
18- But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
19- After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.
20- And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.
21- His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
22- He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.
23- His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
24- Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:
25- And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.
26- His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
27- Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
28- Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
29- For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.
30- And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–85) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles wrote: “Each person in this life is endowed with those talents and capacities which his pre-earth life entitle him to receive. Some by obedience to law acquired one talent and some another.”
In modern revelation the Lord affirmed the principles in this parable: “But with some I am not well pleased, for … they hide the talent which I have given unto them, because of the fear of man. … Thou shalt not idle away thy time, neither shalt thou bury thy talent that it may not be known” (D&C 60:2, 13).

In many ways, I am like the man with one talent. Although I enjoy singing along to the radio, with my family, and occasionally in church, I mostly hide my talent. I also enjoy playing the piano, but because I have never had official lessons and don't do well when it comes to playing for other people, I don't allow many people to know of this talent. I need to quit hiding my talents and share them with others more often. I'm just not sure how to go about it.
I hope that I can get the courage I need to leave my comfort zone and share my talents with others. I want to be able to stand in front of many people and sing. My dream isn't so much to be famous anymore as much as it is to share with those I love. Who knows? Maybe someday that could be me standing in front of the judges and singing and sharing my thoughts and feelings, and testimony, through music. Music is the best way I know to help me through the hard times. Maybe, I can someday help others through theirs.

My thoughts about being a survivor of suicide

2/17/2015

So, I'm not really sure what to write. I was going to write about something else but it didn't seem quite right so I decided to just write some random thoughts I have had lately. It is my hope and prayer that I can say something that may be of help to someone who may need this.
Lately I have been in a good place mentally and emotionally. I can't say that everything is wonderful but I have been telling people that I could be better but I could be worse so I'll take what I've got.
I have been thinking lately that I need to do more to help others who have had some of the same thoughts, feelings, etc., that I have dealt with. The problem is, how do I go about it? Besides sharing on Facebook occasionally and writing this blog, there has got to be a better way to get the message out there that people matter! If nothing else, people matter to our Heavenly Father and to our Savior, Jesus Christ.
I truly believe that my testimony of Jesus Christ is the only reason I am still here. It is because He knows what I deal with on a daily basis that I can feel His love for me and it makes me want to try to do better so that I can live with Him and Heavenly Father again someday! If I had succeeded in my attempts to end my life, would I have that opportunity? I don't know. For now, I am grateful to still be here and don't have to find out.
I titled this post "My thoughts on being a survivor of suicide" because of an article I read a few weeks ago. I have posted the link below for you to copy and paste into your browser. (Sorry, I still haven't figured out the technicalities to make it so you can just press the link.) The author talks a little about how surviving changed her life. I don't know if I can say my life has been changed as a direct result of my two failed attempts. Maybe I should quit looking at them as failures though.
Things in my life have definitely changed in some ways I guess. Like the fact that after my first attempt I ended up moving to Nevada. It was not my first choice in places to live. However, it was a good thing to have my parents around to help me out and show their support. I met some nice people and had the chance to work in the Headstart program and gain more & different experiences as an Early Childhood teacher. The same happened in Bountiful. I was also almost able to get my own preschool started which will help me know what to do in the future to make things work.
I don't know exactly my reasons for being in those places when I was, But I believe that there was some purpose. For example, I had a very good counselor in Bountiful who I grew to love very much. She was like a kindred spirit. She listened when I needed to talk but she also pushed me to step out of my comfort zone a lot. I needed that. She is also the one who got me to go to the hospital for some more in depth help. It was what I needed at the time and I learned a lot from it.
I am not saying that things got better after that. I mean, after all, a year later I was back in ICU due to a second drug overdose with the intent of killing myself. Life has still been hard. Life will always be hard. I am just putting that out there so that the next time I feel so low, somebody can remind me.
Right now, things are okay! I have been fighting the flu for a week, yuck! I have still had problems related to Fibromyalgia, ouch! Overall, though, things are not so bad. I am feeling better from the flu. I am going to physical therapy for the pain and I still talk to my doctor and counselor on a regular basis.
I am not where I want to be in my life by far, and I know things won't always be easy, but with help, especially help from above, I can get through anything!!!

http://www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/2014/12/04/how-to-help-survivors-of-suicide-attempts/

I wanted to share this video with words by Elder M Russell Ballard, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It also tells a story of a painting by Greg Olsen of a teen sitting on a bench with Christ. The teen was modeled after a friend of Greg's son who went on to commit suicide.
Lastly, blogger & writer, Seth Adam Smith, tells a little of his depression and suicide attempt. I feel like I know Seth. Partly because I can relate to his story and partly because I was blessed to have the opportunity to work with his sister at the Family Enrichment Center in Kaysville, Utah. She was such a sweet person. I grew to love her in the short time I had to work and be around her. If Seth is anything like her, I would be glad to be his friend also. Another blessing of living in Bountiful.

I'm Back!!!

2/3/2015

    So it has been over two months since my last post. I really don't have an excuse. I have fought illness, depression, and other things, but I still should have found time to post something. If nothing else I should have posted that I am finally receiving SSI benefits.
    As of November 1, although I didn't find out until later, I have been covered by Medicaid/Molina +. It took a while to get the pharmacy part figured out, but I now can get most of my meds for a small co-pay.
    On December 31, I received my first check. It isn't much but added to my pay from teaching preschool it helps a lot. Today I received the first of my back-paychecks. I need to figure out if that is after my attorney fees have been paid or if I still owe them. If I don't have to pay the attorney that money will be a huge help.
    I actually have a few posts saved as drafts that I haven't finished. I was trying to decide whether to post them now, by working them in somehow, or continue to save them for another day. I think I will save them but I promise that I will post them eventually. I still need to finish the story of my mission as well. I am just going to post a few random things for now.
    This morning I read an article in the Deseret News, a Salt Lake City newspaper, about a man who has suffered with depression and anxiety. He is a former University of Utah basketball player named Craig Rydalch. He had attempted to commit suicide but was saved by a miracle as he called it. He is trying to spread a message of hope by sharing his story. He has said, “If I can help one person from following through with what I almost did, then it will make a difference.” Here is the link to the story: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865620612/Former-Utah-basketball-player-spreads-hope-from-his-battle-with-depression-anxiety.html.
    This is kind of a short post because I can't think of anything else to write. Anyway, I have been thinking that I need to share more of the things that have helped me through the tough times. In order to do that I will be starting to share more about my beliefs and my testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I just wanted to share that in case anybody doesn't want to hear about it. However it is a part of who I am and in order to more completely understand me I have to share. So, with that said, I will probably finish telling about my mission and how it played a large part in where I am today.
    Until next time!