Jen's Life of a Depressed Mormon Woman
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Wanted: Prayers

6/16/2014

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WARNING: This post may contain details that are upsetting to some people. Please be aware and proceed as you feel you can handle reading about these sensitive issues.
I am writing this blog post to ask for your faith and prayers in my behalf. This coming Thursday I have a hearing for Social Security Disability. I have been denied three times already without going before the judge. This time I will have a video conference with a judge to determine if I qualify. I am extremely anxious about what is going to happen.
I have filed for disability based on my depression and anxiety as well as my neck and back problems due to the possibility of Fybromyalgia.
In the last four years I have been dealing with pain in my neck and shoulder along with tingling and numbness in my left arm. I injured my neck somehow four years ago and have had trouble ever since with doing tasks that I used to do regularly such as standing for long periods, holding things or lifting, especially with my left hand and arm, sitting for long periods, among other things. My arm even tingles & goes numb sometimes when I am driving, especially long distances.
I worked as a substitute custodian for a while when living in Bountiful. It was hard work and hard on my body. Every day I would go home in pain sometimes crying because I hurt so bad. The worst was when I had to use the backpack type vacuums, the kind that looks like something off of Ghostbusters. That killed my neck and shoulders and a lot of the time I would really feel it the next day as I stayed in bed for as long as possible. I worked most of the summer with the possibility of being hired more permanently when school started. However, one day the head custodian asked to talk to me and she told me that I had gotten sick too many times and that she didn't think I could physically handle the job. I was told to go home and not bother coming back. I was devastated. I hadn't seen it coming especially since I had been trying my best and didn't complain.
That event triggered a panic attack and some suicidal thoughts. I ended up driving to the temple where I sat across the street and tried to enjoy the peace of looking up at the temple and looking down on the valley and across the Great Salt Lake. I called and talked to my counselor after sending out a text to let people know what was going on. After receiving advice from the counselor and several good friends and family, I was able to calm down and go back home. That ended up being the trigger that seemed to make everything from there on go down hill. It was a month later when my dad lost his job. Two months later, after not finding a job and bills piling up, I was in Walmart where I had a breakdown/panic attack that led me to the hospital for two weeks.
As I have mentioned in the past, I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life. It started to get out of hand when I was on my mission. That was when I first had suicidal thoughts, but didn't ever feel desperate enough to act on them. Since my injury to my neck I have intentionally overdosed twice. The first time was April 2011 and the second was November 2013. I have often had suicidal thoughts and feelings, some as recently as the past month.
 I have been seeing my regular doctor once a week since my last overdose so that he can monitor my medications. He is helping me to manage my depression and anxiety. He has treated my neck and other physical problems as well. I also visit with an LCSW every three or four weeks for therapy/counseling.
In the past I have seen a physical therapist and a couple of chiropractors to help with the physical problems. For a long time I went to physical therapy where I could use the equipment for doing certain exercises. But recently I have just been walking and doing the stretching at home. There isn't a whole lot the therapist can do since I don't have adequate insurance to have the nerve testing done that he would like me to have. I only go to the chiropractor if I am in extreme pain and can't move because the insurance I do have does not cover chiropractic care. One of the chiropractors used to do acupuncture and a few other things that seemed to help a little but here again it comes down to insurance.
I have several bills that I have to pay every month including some credit card debt and doctor & hospital bills from my last overdose. Not working full-time, or not at all, makes it difficult to pay and keep caught up. I also have my co-pays for my doctor & counseling visits. The thing that I struggle with paying the most are my medications. Two of them are pretty expensive, one is almost $200 a month and the other is about $80. I take a multi-vitamin, iron supplement, Vitamin D3 supplement, blood pressure pill, thyroid pill, a pill for heartburn/acid reflux, anxiety meds, meds for the Fybromyalgia, and my depression meds. I take nine pills in the morning, two in the afternoon, and six at night. Sometimes I feel like an old person with all the medicine I take.
I was working full-time at the local grocery store when I injured my neck four years ago this month. After two months of taking time off and then going back to work every couple weeks, I was eventually told to take time off indefinitely. It ended up being about six months. In the meantime bills were adding up and I had to move out of my cute apartment because I couldn't pay rent. I finally got cleared to go back to work part-time doing light duty.
I went back to the store working between 10-18 hours. I had been working 35-40 hours prior to my leave of absence. The stress of not being able to get ahead on my bills and the stress of living in a houseful at my sister's began to be too much. Eventually I went in to talk to the psychiatrist and was told I couldn't because I was too far behind on my bills. That was the straw that broke the camel's back after a long week of bad days. I went home and over the course of the next three or four days slowly overdosed on my meds.
When I get stressed out, especially when under a lot of pressure, my depression gets worse. It also doesn't help that I am  in pain almost all the time. I have learned to deal with the pain for the most part but it still gets me down. Another trigger for my depression, and especially anxiety, is fear of the unknown and also any change that I have no control over.. Maybe fear isn't quite the right word but it is close.  This upcoming hearing is definitely an unknown. I have no idea what to expect. I have never been before a judge and in some ways it is making me feel like I am guilty of something and need to defend myself.
I am sorry if it seems I have been rambling. I tend to do that a lot when I am anxious or nervous. As the day gets closer for the hearing the more nervous I feel. That is why I am asking for your prayers in my behalf. I know there is strength in numbers and I hope that the faith of family and friends can help my faith which is weak.
The hearing is this Thursday, June 19,2014 at 10:45am. I have to be in Salt Lake to video conference with the judge who will be in New Mexico. That is another reason I am nervous. I would rather meet in person, face to face.
Yesterday my parents and I and some others had a special fast. I added my own name to the Manti Temple prayer roll last Thursday toward the end of my shift. I know many people already who are joining us in prayer, but as I said, there is strength in numbers.
Thank you so much for your support.




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Happy Father's Day!

6/15/2014

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Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there, especially my dad. He has been there for me in so many ways no matter what the circumstances. I am grateful for all the things he has taught me. I love being able to spend time with him. I am most grateful that he holds and honors the priesthood. Through it he has been able to bless me in many trials and illnesses, anxieties and more.
This is not the post I had originally begun. I started one last night that I was going to finish & post today. However, when I sat down I felt like I should post about fathers.
My dad was born in Price, Utah and has spent most of his life in Emery County. He first lived in Hiawatha, Carbon County, Utah and then later moved to Orangeville where he was raised on a farm. After high school he served an LDS mission to British Columbia, Canada and went to Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. He met my mother at college. Soon after living in Orangeville for a while they moved to the West Valley area of Salt Lake and that is where I was born.
My siblings and I were all born in Granger, Utah and when I was six we moved to Orangeville. We lived in several different places in Dad's home town and also spent about six months in Castle Dale while I was growing up. Since then he has lived in Elmo & Huntington, Utah. He also lived in Spring Creek, Nevada and Bountiful, Utah before coming back to Emery County & Castle Dale.
The reason we had moved to Orangeville in the first place, was so that my dad could work in the coal mines. Throughout the years he worked hard as a miner but several lay-offs found him working low paying jobs in the local grocery stores. I know my parents struggled to make ends meet every month and I also know how much he hated working those jobs. I know that he did it to care for his family the best he could.
Eventually he went back to mining but when the mine closed he went back to school. He has always enjoyed working with computers and so he decided to go into e-commerce and web design. However, when he finished school he couldn't get a job because he hadn't taken the right classes. For a while he went back to working retail and other odd jobs until the offer came to move to Northeastern Nevada to work in a gold mine. He worked in two different mines in the time he & Mom lived there. Eventually he started driving truck with my brother and we moved to Bountiful (I had moved in with them after my first overdose). They started out driving over the road, cross-country. They eventually started driving a dedicated run to Denver, Colorado. They drove out and back five days a week. After a minor accident, Dad lost that job and started again to look for something to support us. This time he couldn't find anything and so, after several months of looking, he decided to take early retirement. This has actually been a good things in many ways even though the budget is tight every month.
Through all the trials of not working or working low wage jobs, Dad did his best to do whatever he could for us, his family. He supported us by attending our school functions, ball games, pageants, dance recitals,choir concerts, etc. When I played softball he attended as many games as he could where he would cheer me on and offer moral support and give me pointers.
One of my favorite things while growing up was listening to him sing and play his guitar. He would sit out on the porch and us kids would gather around to listen and request our favorites such as; "Puff the Magic Dragon", To Morrow", and "The Old Lady who swallowed a Fly", just to name a few. I still love to hear him. He will come into the office and start to play and I will be in my bedroom singing along.
Another thing I enjoyed doing with my dad, and still do, is going for rides on the desert or mountains and especially going camping. I love nature and the peace I feel among Heavenly Father's creations. I love being able to just sit around the fire and talk or sing. Dad usually brings his guitar. I enjoy when he goes on walks or hikes with me.
One of the biggest reasons I love my dad is because he helped teach me about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He doesn't always share his testimony out loud but I know he has one just by the things he does. He is a great example to me and I hope he is proud of the things he has done to help and support me especially through my battle with depression and anxiety. He is always willing to give me a priesthood blessing when I ask. I am happy to have the priesthood in my home.
I love my father very much. I know I don't tell him that very often, but I don't know what I would do without him. He is a wonderful example and I am grateful for his love.

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The other Father I want to write about is my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the testimony I have that He sent us here to earth and is anxiously awaiting the day when we will return to Him. I hope that when I do He will embrace me and say, " well done!"
I am so grateful for the plan that He presented and in which I agreed to that made it possible for me to come to the earth to gain a body and to learn of Him and what He would have me do.
As I write a few scriptures in The Book of Mormon comes to mind. The first is in Mosiah 4:9: "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things,both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." The other scripture is in Alma 26:11-12. " ...I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
"Yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things;... for which we will praise his name forever."
The last scripture I want to share is Ether 12:26. It is one of my favorites. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I do believe that He created the heavens and the earth and all things upon the earth. Through His plan I know that I am His literal daughter and that He loves me and wants what is best for me, even more than my earthly father. My strength is weak and I know I need to humble myself before Him and He will answer my prayers.
I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending His Son to Atone for me that I may be able to repent and someday return to live with them. I am especially grateful for this knowledge as I think of two other fathers in my life, my grandfathers. I know that they live, spiritually, awaiting the time when we can be together again. They were great men and great examples to me. I love and miss them very much.
 

To close I just want to thank all the Father figures in my life. There are many who have helped me along the way. I want my dad to know how much I love and appreciate him and all that he has done and still does for me. Mostly I want to thank my Heavenly Father for giving me my life and for all the blessings I have received.
Happy Father's Day!
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More Music

6/10/2014

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I have been sick this past week and haven't really done much. The problem is that when I get sick my depression gets worse. I am feeling much better on both counts. Now if I could make the pain go away things would be so much better.
I don't really have anything specific in mind to write about but a friend posted a line from the song "Blessings" on Facebook and it reminded me how much I like this song. As I have posted before, music is my sanity saver, especially when I find good songs like this. So for this blog post I think I am just going to post a few videos of songs that help me to feel better. I hope you enjoy!
(Disclaimer: I don't want to violate copy rights so if you see anything that I shouldn't post please let me know ASAP so I can take it off. Thanks!)
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A little bit of nothing...

6/2/2014

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So, I am not sure what to write,but since it has been over a month since my last entry I figured I should at least post something.
May was a busy, stressful month. There was work and the temple. There was also doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, book club, and LDS Addiction Recovery meetings.Mom and I went to an Activity Days brunch with two of my nieces. I went to Price several times to do shopping. Dad and I rode out to Baker Ranch, down on the desert, to drop off some bulls for our bishop. I went to a Spring Social for the temple workers on the Thursday afternoon shift. And amidst everything else, I put together DVDs for our preschool graduation. Talk about stress! I am glad the month is over. Although there were bad days there were also some pretty good ones. I am glad for summer so I can relax!
This month I have a hearing scheduled on the 19th for Social Security. I am hoping to get some disability so that I can pay my bills and get some insurance. I have been dealing with my neck and arm and what the doctor is calling Fibromyalgia for lack of anything better. I do have many of the symptoms but we don't know for sure that that is what the problem is. I am mostly going on the depression and anxiety. I am doing okay right now. But I still have stress which triggers the anxiety and then triggers the depression.
I am holding off looking into a job or anything else that might affect how the judge will rule during the hearing. I still have monthly bills to pay and have creditors on my back about the debt that I have gotten into due to the fact I haven't worked full-time or steadily since I hurt my neck almost four years ago.
One thing that has me worried is about the time I worked as a custodian two years ago. How do I explain that even though I did the work for 2-5 hours a day I usually ended up hurting the rest of the day. When I was let go from that job, the head custodian told me that I just couldn't handle the work. I have actually been told that at job interviews and after taking personality tests as part of job applications also. So basically I've been told by employers that I cannot physically or mentally handle the work.
I really enjoy teaching preschool. It is my dream job! I love working with the young kids and helping them learn and grow. I want to have my own preschool but except for two years ago when it almost happened, I have not been in a position to make it work. The biggest problem is not having the place to hold it. So until I can figure something out in regards to that I will go back to work part-time in August. At least I work with an awesome lady who has done a lot for me.
Anyway, the reason I brought that up was to show that I really do want to work, I just want to do my own thing in an environment that makes me feel comfortable and safe. I have considered several times going back to work at the grocery store but when I think about having to deal with customers the anxiety comes on and I start to panic. I have done it before and enjoyed it but now it terrifies me.
A few weeks ago an acquaintance posted
on Facebook a thing about people who abuse the government system of food stamps. It got an argument going between another acquaintance and several other people. The one stated the facts about how the system is set up to work and so it is a good thing. Others of us agreed that if it did work that way it would be good but pointed out that there are too many people who abuse that system making it harder for those who need assistance to get it. I don't usually get too involved in those conversations that get heated but I felt like I had to defend those who truly need it against those who are capable of helping themselves. To see people scraping change for a gallon of milk because they "make too much money" which all goes to paying bills and cost of living is sad when on the other hand you see people who are on government assistance buying their cigarettes and cases of beer while driving expensive cars with nice sound systems. Can you see the problem?
Anyway, my point is this. I feel like a hypocrite and that people will look at me as one of those people who abuse the system because I have food stamps and am trying to go on disability when I don't have a visible disability. I don't want to be judged that way. I actually would prefer to work without pain or anxiety and help myself to pay my bills and other things. I hope that this will be temporary until we can figure out what is causing the pain and I can deal with the anxiety.
Sorry. This wasn't exactly what I had been thinking about when I started this post. I don't want to start any arguments about government programs or whatever. what I have written is what has come to my mind. That is what I do when I post, I start typing and pray that what I need to say will come out. I am asking for your support and prayers that everything will go how it is supposed to with the hearing and that I can handle whatever the results may be.


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    Jennifer Gardner

    I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I have also recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I created this blog to share some of the things that I deal with and the ways I handle them and cope.

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