Ever since I woke up from my nap I have been feeling anxious and a little down. I don't know what caused these feelings but I really don't like them. This is how I live. One minute I will be just fine and then the next I will be having a self pity party. I never know what will trigger these emotions or even when they will happen.
People have told me to try and eliminate the triggers but how do I do that when they aren't always the same? After living this way most of my life you would think I would have things figured out. Well I don't. I wish I did.
It used to drive me crazy. I didn't think anyone truly understood what I go through. Well-meaning people would tell me that if I would eat better or exercise more I wouldn't feel like that. What really bugged me though was when people would say things like, "You just need to pray more," or "You need to go to church, the temple, read your scriptures, etc. more." If it were that easy I don't think anybody would have depression. What works for some doesn't necessarily work for all.
Now I know I could do better at all of the above but there is more to it for me. I have to take medication and go to counseling. I have been seeing my regular doctor on a weekly basis since the last suicide attempt so that he can monitor my meds. I see my therapist 2-4 times a month. I go to the physical therapist's office to work out about three times a week. I attend church regularly and now work once a week in the temple. So why am I still depressed?
I titled this entry the way I did because that is the best way I know how to describe it. Some days I feel like I'm on my way up and others are on the way down. There are twists and turns along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on for dear life and others I sit back and enjoy the ride. The thing about this ride is that sometimes I feel like I am going down and will never go back up.
I am doing what I can to seek help. to find a way off the roller coaster and on to a more calm and peaceful ride. I am trying to do better at doing the things I know I should. I am especially trying to put more faith and trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ.
While I was serving my mission I came across a scripture that has since become one of my favorites. It is in Alma chapter 7:
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. He lives and loves me. He is always there to succor me because He knows exactly what I am going through. I used to forget that the He Atoned for more than just our sins. I am grateful that I can be forgiven of my wrong-doings but I am even more grateful to know that there is someone who knows and understands everything else I go through in this life.