This last week I have been struggling with pain and allergies. The other night the pain was pretty bad. All I could think of was how tired I am of always being in some kind of pain whether it is physical or emotional. I am tired of every day being the same thing. I will even admit that that the thoughts came that I wish this life were over and that if I really wanted to I could end it. Of course then I thought, "I've tried twice and failed, what makes you think this time would be any different?"
As these thoughts entered my mind I began to pray for strength and comfort. I began to think of other times when I have been distressed and in pain and of all the people that have been there to support me. I felt strongly that I needed to make a list of all those people. It was close to midnight and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't do something. I got out my journal and thought about just the past nine years and began to write. As I was writing more and more people came to mind. I came up with people who had helped me as I prepared for my mission, people from my mission, church leaders, counselors/therapists, and of course family and friends. I am sure the list is incomplete but I fell asleep quickly after writing and awoke the next morning feeling better.
Sunday morning I listened to a talk given by Jeffrey R Holland as I got ready for church. I have posted it before. It is titled "Like a Broken Vessel." Every time I hear that talk I hear something that I need to hear in that moment. I love hearing the apostles and prophet speak. I know that they are truly the Lord's servants.
I have been attending the LDS Addiction Recovery Program for the past several weeks. I have been told and am coming to know that it is an inspired program for everyone, not just for people with addictions. Tonight we read step 4: Truth. To tell the truth, I am not sure if I am ready for this step. I am still struggling with steps 2 & 3; Hope and Trust in God. One of the things it talks about in step four is keeping a journal. In some ways this is my journal, although it is public, I use this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings the same as I do my journal. In fact, in many ways I think this is better. I tend to just write about what I do in my journal and don't really share other things.
So far it has been a good experience. It is humbling to listen to others share their stories of addiction and other issues. There is always a strong spirit there. Sometimes it is hard to leave. Tonight was no exception. Before I went I didn't know what I was going to share. As it got closer to my turn I debated passing. Instead I offered a quick, silent prayer that I might be able to share something that might be of help or comfort to somebody there. I honestly don't remember all that I said and I can only hope it touched someone.
I am not really sure what else to write. Every day is a struggle but I am trying to do better and not let things get to me so easily. I am going to really try harder to put my trust in God and to have the hope that everything will work out for the best.