Lately I have been in a good place mentally and emotionally. I can't say that everything is wonderful but I have been telling people that I could be better but I could be worse so I'll take what I've got.
I have been thinking lately that I need to do more to help others who have had some of the same thoughts, feelings, etc., that I have dealt with. The problem is, how do I go about it? Besides sharing on Facebook occasionally and writing this blog, there has got to be a better way to get the message out there that people matter! If nothing else, people matter to our Heavenly Father and to our Savior, Jesus Christ.
I truly believe that my testimony of Jesus Christ is the only reason I am still here. It is because He knows what I deal with on a daily basis that I can feel His love for me and it makes me want to try to do better so that I can live with Him and Heavenly Father again someday! If I had succeeded in my attempts to end my life, would I have that opportunity? I don't know. For now, I am grateful to still be here and don't have to find out.
I titled this post "My thoughts on being a survivor of suicide" because of an article I read a few weeks ago. I have posted the link below for you to copy and paste into your browser. (Sorry, I still haven't figured out the technicalities to make it so you can just press the link.) The author talks a little about how surviving changed her life. I don't know if I can say my life has been changed as a direct result of my two failed attempts. Maybe I should quit looking at them as failures though.
Things in my life have definitely changed in some ways I guess. Like the fact that after my first attempt I ended up moving to Nevada. It was not my first choice in places to live. However, it was a good thing to have my parents around to help me out and show their support. I met some nice people and had the chance to work in the Headstart program and gain more & different experiences as an Early Childhood teacher. The same happened in Bountiful. I was also almost able to get my own preschool started which will help me know what to do in the future to make things work.
I don't know exactly my reasons for being in those places when I was, But I believe that there was some purpose. For example, I had a very good counselor in Bountiful who I grew to love very much. She was like a kindred spirit. She listened when I needed to talk but she also pushed me to step out of my comfort zone a lot. I needed that. She is also the one who got me to go to the hospital for some more in depth help. It was what I needed at the time and I learned a lot from it.
I am not saying that things got better after that. I mean, after all, a year later I was back in ICU due to a second drug overdose with the intent of killing myself. Life has still been hard. Life will always be hard. I am just putting that out there so that the next time I feel so low, somebody can remind me.
Right now, things are okay! I have been fighting the flu for a week, yuck! I have still had problems related to Fibromyalgia, ouch! Overall, though, things are not so bad. I am feeling better from the flu. I am going to physical therapy for the pain and I still talk to my doctor and counselor on a regular basis.
I am not where I want to be in my life by far, and I know things won't always be easy, but with help, especially help from above, I can get through anything!!!
Lastly, blogger & writer, Seth Adam Smith, tells a little of his depression and suicide attempt. I feel like I know Seth. Partly because I can relate to his story and partly because I was blessed to have the opportunity to work with his sister at the Family Enrichment Center in Kaysville, Utah. She was such a sweet person. I grew to love her in the short time I had to work and be around her. If Seth is anything like her, I would be glad to be his friend also. Another blessing of living in Bountiful.