May was a busy, stressful month. There was work and the temple. There was also doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, book club, and LDS Addiction Recovery meetings.Mom and I went to an Activity Days brunch with two of my nieces. I went to Price several times to do shopping. Dad and I rode out to Baker Ranch, down on the desert, to drop off some bulls for our bishop. I went to a Spring Social for the temple workers on the Thursday afternoon shift. And amidst everything else, I put together DVDs for our preschool graduation. Talk about stress! I am glad the month is over. Although there were bad days there were also some pretty good ones. I am glad for summer so I can relax!
This month I have a hearing scheduled on the 19th for Social Security. I am hoping to get some disability so that I can pay my bills and get some insurance. I have been dealing with my neck and arm and what the doctor is calling Fibromyalgia for lack of anything better. I do have many of the symptoms but we don't know for sure that that is what the problem is. I am mostly going on the depression and anxiety. I am doing okay right now. But I still have stress which triggers the anxiety and then triggers the depression.
I am holding off looking into a job or anything else that might affect how the judge will rule during the hearing. I still have monthly bills to pay and have creditors on my back about the debt that I have gotten into due to the fact I haven't worked full-time or steadily since I hurt my neck almost four years ago. One thing that has me worried is about the time I worked as a custodian two years ago. How do I explain that even though I did the work for 2-5 hours a day I usually ended up hurting the rest of the day. When I was let go from that job, the head custodian told me that I just couldn't handle the work. I have actually been told that at job interviews and after taking personality tests as part of job applications also. So basically I've been told by employers that I cannot physically or mentally handle the work.
I really enjoy teaching preschool. It is my dream job! I love working with the young kids and helping them learn and grow. I want to have my own preschool but except for two years ago when it almost happened, I have not been in a position to make it work. The biggest problem is not having the place to hold it. So until I can figure something out in regards to that I will go back to work part-time in August. At least I work with an awesome lady who has done a lot for me.
Anyway, the reason I brought that up was to show that I really do want to work, I just want to do my own thing in an environment that makes me feel comfortable and safe. I have considered several times going back to work at the grocery store but when I think about having to deal with customers the anxiety comes on and I start to panic. I have done it before and enjoyed it but now it terrifies me.
A few weeks ago an acquaintance posted on Facebook a thing about people who abuse the government system of food stamps. It got an argument going between another acquaintance and several other people. The one stated the facts about how the system is set up to work and so it is a good thing. Others of us agreed that if it did work that way it would be good but pointed out that there are too many people who abuse that system making it harder for those who need assistance to get it. I don't usually get too involved in those conversations that get heated but I felt like I had to defend those who truly need it against those who are capable of helping themselves. To see people scraping change for a gallon of milk because they "make too much money" which all goes to paying bills and cost of living is sad when on the other hand you see people who are on government assistance buying their cigarettes and cases of beer while driving expensive cars with nice sound systems. Can you see the problem?
Anyway, my point is this. I feel like a hypocrite and that people will look at me as one of those people who abuse the system because I have food stamps and am trying to go on disability when I don't have a visible disability. I don't want to be judged that way. I actually would prefer to work without pain or anxiety and help myself to pay my bills and other things. I hope that this will be temporary until we can figure out what is causing the pain and I can deal with the anxiety.
Sorry. This wasn't exactly what I had been thinking about when I started this post. I don't want to start any arguments about government programs or whatever. what I have written is what has come to my mind. That is what I do when I post, I start typing and pray that what I need to say will come out. I am asking for your support and prayers that everything will go how it is supposed to with the hearing and that I can handle whatever the results may be.